Action/Reaction

In life we often ask ourselves "Am I making the right decisions for the right reasons?"  When faced with these questions, we tend to rationalize these thoughts based on momentum built from previous successes, failures and mistakes. In doing so, for most of us it becomes a confirmation bias within your own mind justifying actions against the actions of those who came before you including your past self.

We never like making decisions that leave us uncomfortable and ponderous.  Where the next step in the path is blurry and the outcome unwritten.  But if you choose to walk with your gut feelings, your passions, your seemingly ludicrous hopes and dreams...
You're never alone and you never know where the path will exit the dark.

Drifting Through

     Summer.  The days are warm and the twilight hours are to peak length as the long spindly streaks of dying daylight cling to the mountain tops and clouds casting greeting to the awakening fireflies.  The river is running lower than in spring exposing it's muddy banks and gnarled root systems of the trees that shade afternoon swimmers and water life alike.  The sound of drumming air conditioners and lawnmowers well past prime barely spitting and sputtering clunky convenience echo in the distance as the booming rumbles of an approaching thunderstorm inspire thoughts of relief from the drenching heat.  Picnics come and picnics go just as hastily as the holidays that inspired them.  Birds sing and children dream.  Small talk is made as gardens are tended creating mouth watering hallucinations of fresh leafy salads topped with plump,  juicy tomatoes.  Fields that once nurtured tiny insignificant sprouts seem now to grow taller with every disappearing second creating a vastness of green spread out like oceans across a rippling land.  Soon, every mile of roadway will contain at least one hand painted sign indicated that the golden snap of local corn is here at last.  Summer. 

 

     And so it rolls on.  The ceaseless parade of time.  Marching through the hazy days as I sit on the top of the float.  A float so carefully adorned with decorative crape paper and buntings that look stunningly vibrant and inviting when viewed from afar but transform into a cage when entered and occupied.  Sitting.  Endlessly enthralled by the onlookers and knowing that they have no interest in this parade at all.  A parade that once you pay attention, traps you.  Wraps you in what once seemed like innocent colorful tissue paper but now feels as cold as iron once it touches you.  Once you feel it.  Once inside, the outside world is something to be watched, not lived.  Something to watch slip by slowly as you feel the dark of night growing longer and the chill in the breeze growing stronger.  Almost reminding that each day you pay attention, is another lost to a pointless struggle to escape.


 And each breeze that reaches you, brings with it the knowledge that life is fleeting and even more so when we tighten the bars of time around ourselves and give into the temptation to join the parade. 
    

Hating for the Sake of the Hater.

     How many of us have spent a few hours on twitter trying to get to the bottom of some heated argument between someone who thought they where expressing a funny thought and someone who got deeply offended?  Sometimes it ends with a few quick jabs while other times it turns into day long rage infused hate fests with multiple parties on both sides chiming in.  In the modern social media obsessed world, there's nothing many of us love more than to gain a few followers, or get a couple of likes on Facebook or Youtube.  The problem becomes however, that these worlds are not real not matter how much we believe they are.
    Now before you jump down my throat about virtual reality and avatars and blah blah blah. Your are right.  There is some merit to that argument but my point is that we are interacting less and less the way we where intended to.  Face to face, hand to hand, in the moment.  Human beings are complicated organisms and when expected to communicate in less than 140 characters, we come off as rather dickish and pretentious in my opinion.
    When reading an online argument, one must really analyze the objective and intent of the attackee and the attacker.  Often times, especially when a comedian is involved, the attackee was merely expressing an opinion or thought they thought would garner a laugh or reaction.  Sometimes the attackee can go to far, cross a line, make a distasteful joke.  Big fucking deal.  I think we'd be hard pressed to not find someone who heard an off colored joke in person.  Uncles are legendary for them.  But have you felt the need to walk over to that person and tell them "That's not funny. Kill yourself" Of coarse not.  This reaction usually occurs in the imaginary space of the internet for the purpose of garnering attention and appearing Pius to people you've never met.
     We all have opinions.  We all have feelings.  We've all laughed at others expenses, and been laughed at ourselves. We've all been offended and we've all laughed at offensive things.  But feeling the need to personally tell someone something is not funny or that something is offensive is not your job.
     It's also amazes me that the only people that garner a harsh reaction from the Twitter world are the ones with the most perceived value to other users. Your not going to pick a fight with some guy in bum fuck nowhere with 50 followers.  Of coarse not.  What benefit is that?  You need the comedian with 51,000 followers so everyone can see how righteous and progressive you are for calling this person out and attacking them in away that you would never do in person.  That's how to boost your own twitter value.

     It's called a game.  And really the only ones that play are the ones who just want to pretend they're something they're not.  It's great as a tool and a way to share idea's with like minded individuals.  But when you choose to occupy that space and live in that world in a way that just doesn't translate into reality, you are propping yourself up with false personal inflation, digital style.  Keep funny funny and keep your opinions to yourself.

Who Am I and Where Do I Wish to Go?

    Have you ever been told you are good at something by a friend or family member?  I'm sure we all have.  And there exists my current predicament.  I've spent most of my life so far experimenting and experiencing many different things.   Although many of my friends love to hear stories about what I've done and seem almost jealous of my random existence, I can't help but still feel empty.
    Being 28 and a recent college graduate, I'm often faced daily with the question of what am I going to do next?  Do I have a job lined up?  Do I know what field I want to work in? Or where?  My answer is always honest.  With a little smirk and a slight break of eye contact, I simply reply, "I have no clue."  Just breathing those words often fills me with a sense of self pity and loathing.  Will I ever get my shit together and step into the real world? Frankly though, this "real world" everyone keeps talking about sounds fucking terrible.
    I've always been told I was talented but I'm starting to realize that everyone else is told the same type of thing as they grow up.  After all, what parents would tell their child, sorry Susie, your just not pretty enough to be an actress? Or sorry Johnny, I don't think your IQ will ever quite get there to be an astrophysicist.  Truth be told, we all have experienced some level of pandering as we developed, otherwise I doubt any of us could ever dream and aspire to be great.  I've heard it said many times that half the battle of success is believing in yourself.  But what about those who believe in themselves 100% yet lack the skill or talent?
    In my mind, I see who I want to be.  I know what I would like to do for a living.  But in all reality, it is also the dream of a multitude of other extremely talented individuals who are currently cutting their teeth nightly and working the club scene.  Do I really have talent or have I just received amazing ego fellatio my entire life? 

    In the end, I understand that mindset is the ultimate determining factor.  It's as the amazing quote from Henry Ford relays "Whether you think you can or think you can't, your right" and these words ring true I believe with anyone who feels inspired to go above and beyond what expectations of life can be.  Whenever I get myself motivated to take the leap of faith, my dark subconscious always calls me back with 5 words that have haunted me my whole life.  "Who the Fuck Are You?"  Only until I can confidently answer back, "I am someone who deserves to be happy and live fulfilled like anyone else" will I ever break my cycle of self defeat and lack of confidence.

SIDENOTE: Apologizes for this post as I did not have it proofread and I feel it makes little sense.  I sat down at the keyboard swimming in thoughts and this is what came out.  I usually try to end my posts on a slightly higher note offering some helpful advice but in this case, I have none.  This is an issue that for me has dominated my thought process for a long time and if anyone would like to connect and offer advice, please feel free! 
    

Bill Hicks and Me

My first experience receiving laughter from an
audience in a production of "The Nerd".
I was 16 years old.

    Performance art has always been a deep driving, sometimes irrational desire that's a piece of my puzzle for as long as I can remember. I was introduced to the world of performance art at an early age and began regularly appearing in whatever theater production I could find throughout my high school career.  When I graduated, I left home to begin my ill-fated studies in the field of theater acting.  Although the details seem distant, I can say that it truly was a reality check as my mind began to wrap itself around the inner workings of becoming an adult and living a minimum wage existence. When I finally closed the doors on that part of my life, I was a defeated 18 year old college drop-out who had no  idea what might lay ahead.
   The years since have been full of drifting and discovery.  I've held many titles and done many things that have fostered the growth of a mindset that I believe is truly my own.  As my wonderful fiance plainly stated one night as I agonized over my decisions " You've never done what other people have expected, so why start now?".  If you've read any of my writings before, you may have gleaned that I recently graduated college with an associates degree.  Although I am extremely gratified and proud of this accomplishment, I now feel faced with an expectation to have my immediate actions choreographed.  Pressure is weighing down working to force the mold to close around me and produce a glistening plastic nine to fiver.  It's been my fiance's words that have ping ponged in my head the last few weeks that I believe have brought me full circle to greet my 18 year old self.

Enter Bill Hicks

    As a longtime stand-up comedy fanatic, I've often heard many of my favorite comedians such as Joe Rogan or Marc Maron relate stories of legendary Bill Hicks.  Being surprised that I had never really been exposed to much of his art, I sat down to investigate why and what I discovered spoke to me in a way that  began to make sense of my personal existence.
     His story is an easy one to research so I won't grind out the details but Bill seemed to be a shining light since birth and began to hone his stand up skills while still in high school.  Through a long road of night clubs, spiritual experimentation, alcoholism, and subsequent sobriety Bill grew into what many consider one of the greatest comedians of all time.  What made him special was that the comedy he delivered came from his inner light.  He projected a new philosophical yet unapologetic way to treat the voice of a stand up comedian that left his audiences not only entertained, but enlighten whether they could accept it or not.
     Sadly, Bill's bright light was extinguished in 1994 but thankfully not before being captured forever through modern technologies.  In the amazing world we live in, Bill's brilliant philosophy waited since his death when I was just 8 years old for roughly 18 years to reach out and touch me the way it still touches many others to this day.  Although for me, it felt more like a punch than a touch.

The Point

     The gift I personally received from Bill Hicks is a solidification of exactly what my fiance was exclaiming.  If you do what everyone expects, you will only be as good as those expectations.  If you only say what others expect, you will never say anything meaningful.  Living life for yourself on your own terms and taking chances to be great are the only way that one can truly begin to do things that can't even be imagined.  Bill never veered from how he wanted to exist on this planet and we all can share similar ideology if we only let go of our fears and the people in our lives who try to dictate our lives.  Every single individuals life has the potential to be whatever they want it to be.  But it is up to us to learn how to properly use the tools and not let the magnitude of the task outweigh the thrill of the reward.  
     I've had to accept the existence of a hole in my personality since the last time I offered a contribution to an audience.  The thought of standing up in front of a crowd on an open mic night is both the subject of my deepest desire and passion but also a shaky step into uncertainty.  Like so many times before, when I have come to a fork in a paved road, I have decided to take a 90 degree and try the dirt instead.  It may be a little slower and a little rougher than the other two roads, but it sure has a lot more character.

     My 18 year old self is calling, I think it's time two old friends had lunch and caught up.

Same Old Song

     Normally I try to steer clear of examining any type of politics with anyone except those I know can be counted on to carry out a thoughtful and objective discussion.  I have had one too many experiences that ended in disputes, sometimes with individuals shouting obscenities and foaming at the mouth!  It seems there is no better way to rouse the heartbeat of a Republican by mentioning Obamacare or rattle the foundation of a Democrat with talk of gun ownership rights.  These issues have become so politically and socially charged that often individuals either become uncomfortable expressing their opinions or set in one way of thinking that any other viewpoints cannot be appreciated.
    Where I become caught in a trap is that I cannot look at such paramount and impacting issues as simply a matter of red or blue.  I find that often the individuals who become so infuriated and single minded when discussing any controversial topic are fighting not for the principal, but for the victory of their party. For better or for worse, their viewpoint is formulated through a we're right and you're wrong mentality.
     The problem becomes the fact that neither party is truly that different behind closed doors.  Both receive funds and support from the same groups of people. Both commit the same devious acts, whether right or left, and receive accolades from the party in power and criticism from the party being opposed.  When watching a political debate between two parties, I often wonder how much the sociological perspective of Dramaturgy applies, in which the politicians during the debate are putting on a performance, giving the illusion two different competing parties exist.  When the show ends, however, both parties remove their makeup and costumes to resume a business as usual in which profits and control become the overall theme merging both parties as one.  The show serves as a mere distraction to keep the common citizen from grasping the real agenda.
     I often find myself seeking the middle of the road so much, that I cannot formulate a final decisive view.  I share many views that would be considered left but also share many views that would very much be considered right as well. I find that doing so allows me to keep a balanced perspective and treat life objectively.  Recognizing that your views can encompass more than a two party system of government is the first step towards we the people taking back our power as citizens.

The Work is Waiting

     I couldn't wait to begin typing out my chaotic mess of a brain when I posted my first blog entry about x weeks ago.  I nailed down two more I felt....well....ok with......and disappeared.  Not a stretch for my personality at all really.  Lately I've been finding it more and more difficult to produce the quantity of work I'm used to.  Before, having a multitude of projects on hand at any given moment was the norm as I bounced between various crafts but now just sitting down to type these words took serious coercion.  It took an introspective afternoon after a particularly lack luster Technical Composition class that I realize my main problem.  I've been lazy!  If you expected better, more intricately presented prose I apologize, but the observation and subsequent answer was simple.  Don't be.
    I had been letting the loose ends from my life's work intimidate me into believing that the work had lost it's merit or worth.  Whenever my motivation would gather steam, by mind would flood my conscious with reasons, excuses, complaints, and distractions all to keep me from even beginning the task of finishing were I had started.  It's really an easy thing to do.  The mind is a powerful ally or adversary and only we have the power to decide how to use it correctly.  Sometimes, we must examine our actions and ask ourselves how much we are avoiding new adventures and opportunities all because we have convinced ourselves we're not good enough or it's not worth the hassle?  If you've decided you're not happy with how much you are accomplishing, I have simple advice.  Do the work.  Once stripped of the glamour and hype, any task, no matter how cataclysmic or insignificant can be tackled knowing your ready to do the work.
     Sorry this may come off slightly incoherent and rambling but writing this one definitely helped me.  I'm hoping to charge at my life's projects full force from here on out and make some progress.  I hope you have gotten something from these posts as I have enjoyed bringing them to you.  Please feel free to comment!  I will take all criticisms objectively and use them to further improve myself and my writings.