Bill Hicks and Me

My first experience receiving laughter from an
audience in a production of "The Nerd".
I was 16 years old.

    Performance art has always been a deep driving, sometimes irrational desire that's a piece of my puzzle for as long as I can remember. I was introduced to the world of performance art at an early age and began regularly appearing in whatever theater production I could find throughout my high school career.  When I graduated, I left home to begin my ill-fated studies in the field of theater acting.  Although the details seem distant, I can say that it truly was a reality check as my mind began to wrap itself around the inner workings of becoming an adult and living a minimum wage existence. When I finally closed the doors on that part of my life, I was a defeated 18 year old college drop-out who had no  idea what might lay ahead.
   The years since have been full of drifting and discovery.  I've held many titles and done many things that have fostered the growth of a mindset that I believe is truly my own.  As my wonderful fiance plainly stated one night as I agonized over my decisions " You've never done what other people have expected, so why start now?".  If you've read any of my writings before, you may have gleaned that I recently graduated college with an associates degree.  Although I am extremely gratified and proud of this accomplishment, I now feel faced with an expectation to have my immediate actions choreographed.  Pressure is weighing down working to force the mold to close around me and produce a glistening plastic nine to fiver.  It's been my fiance's words that have ping ponged in my head the last few weeks that I believe have brought me full circle to greet my 18 year old self.

Enter Bill Hicks

    As a longtime stand-up comedy fanatic, I've often heard many of my favorite comedians such as Joe Rogan or Marc Maron relate stories of legendary Bill Hicks.  Being surprised that I had never really been exposed to much of his art, I sat down to investigate why and what I discovered spoke to me in a way that  began to make sense of my personal existence.
     His story is an easy one to research so I won't grind out the details but Bill seemed to be a shining light since birth and began to hone his stand up skills while still in high school.  Through a long road of night clubs, spiritual experimentation, alcoholism, and subsequent sobriety Bill grew into what many consider one of the greatest comedians of all time.  What made him special was that the comedy he delivered came from his inner light.  He projected a new philosophical yet unapologetic way to treat the voice of a stand up comedian that left his audiences not only entertained, but enlighten whether they could accept it or not.
     Sadly, Bill's bright light was extinguished in 1994 but thankfully not before being captured forever through modern technologies.  In the amazing world we live in, Bill's brilliant philosophy waited since his death when I was just 8 years old for roughly 18 years to reach out and touch me the way it still touches many others to this day.  Although for me, it felt more like a punch than a touch.

The Point

     The gift I personally received from Bill Hicks is a solidification of exactly what my fiance was exclaiming.  If you do what everyone expects, you will only be as good as those expectations.  If you only say what others expect, you will never say anything meaningful.  Living life for yourself on your own terms and taking chances to be great are the only way that one can truly begin to do things that can't even be imagined.  Bill never veered from how he wanted to exist on this planet and we all can share similar ideology if we only let go of our fears and the people in our lives who try to dictate our lives.  Every single individuals life has the potential to be whatever they want it to be.  But it is up to us to learn how to properly use the tools and not let the magnitude of the task outweigh the thrill of the reward.  
     I've had to accept the existence of a hole in my personality since the last time I offered a contribution to an audience.  The thought of standing up in front of a crowd on an open mic night is both the subject of my deepest desire and passion but also a shaky step into uncertainty.  Like so many times before, when I have come to a fork in a paved road, I have decided to take a 90 degree and try the dirt instead.  It may be a little slower and a little rougher than the other two roads, but it sure has a lot more character.

     My 18 year old self is calling, I think it's time two old friends had lunch and caught up.

Same Old Song

     Normally I try to steer clear of examining any type of politics with anyone except those I know can be counted on to carry out a thoughtful and objective discussion.  I have had one too many experiences that ended in disputes, sometimes with individuals shouting obscenities and foaming at the mouth!  It seems there is no better way to rouse the heartbeat of a Republican by mentioning Obamacare or rattle the foundation of a Democrat with talk of gun ownership rights.  These issues have become so politically and socially charged that often individuals either become uncomfortable expressing their opinions or set in one way of thinking that any other viewpoints cannot be appreciated.
    Where I become caught in a trap is that I cannot look at such paramount and impacting issues as simply a matter of red or blue.  I find that often the individuals who become so infuriated and single minded when discussing any controversial topic are fighting not for the principal, but for the victory of their party. For better or for worse, their viewpoint is formulated through a we're right and you're wrong mentality.
     The problem becomes the fact that neither party is truly that different behind closed doors.  Both receive funds and support from the same groups of people. Both commit the same devious acts, whether right or left, and receive accolades from the party in power and criticism from the party being opposed.  When watching a political debate between two parties, I often wonder how much the sociological perspective of Dramaturgy applies, in which the politicians during the debate are putting on a performance, giving the illusion two different competing parties exist.  When the show ends, however, both parties remove their makeup and costumes to resume a business as usual in which profits and control become the overall theme merging both parties as one.  The show serves as a mere distraction to keep the common citizen from grasping the real agenda.
     I often find myself seeking the middle of the road so much, that I cannot formulate a final decisive view.  I share many views that would be considered left but also share many views that would very much be considered right as well. I find that doing so allows me to keep a balanced perspective and treat life objectively.  Recognizing that your views can encompass more than a two party system of government is the first step towards we the people taking back our power as citizens.

The Work is Waiting

     I couldn't wait to begin typing out my chaotic mess of a brain when I posted my first blog entry about x weeks ago.  I nailed down two more I felt....well....ok with......and disappeared.  Not a stretch for my personality at all really.  Lately I've been finding it more and more difficult to produce the quantity of work I'm used to.  Before, having a multitude of projects on hand at any given moment was the norm as I bounced between various crafts but now just sitting down to type these words took serious coercion.  It took an introspective afternoon after a particularly lack luster Technical Composition class that I realize my main problem.  I've been lazy!  If you expected better, more intricately presented prose I apologize, but the observation and subsequent answer was simple.  Don't be.
    I had been letting the loose ends from my life's work intimidate me into believing that the work had lost it's merit or worth.  Whenever my motivation would gather steam, by mind would flood my conscious with reasons, excuses, complaints, and distractions all to keep me from even beginning the task of finishing were I had started.  It's really an easy thing to do.  The mind is a powerful ally or adversary and only we have the power to decide how to use it correctly.  Sometimes, we must examine our actions and ask ourselves how much we are avoiding new adventures and opportunities all because we have convinced ourselves we're not good enough or it's not worth the hassle?  If you've decided you're not happy with how much you are accomplishing, I have simple advice.  Do the work.  Once stripped of the glamour and hype, any task, no matter how cataclysmic or insignificant can be tackled knowing your ready to do the work.
     Sorry this may come off slightly incoherent and rambling but writing this one definitely helped me.  I'm hoping to charge at my life's projects full force from here on out and make some progress.  I hope you have gotten something from these posts as I have enjoyed bringing them to you.  Please feel free to comment!  I will take all criticisms objectively and use them to further improve myself and my writings.

The Decision to Decide

    The decision making process has always been fascinating to me.  Some decisions come and go effortless while others are labored on and toiled over for weeks.  How do we choose which decisions will be considered important and which minor in comparison?  You may see that this questions doesn't really carry any weight at all.
   Being slated to graduate college this December has left me with a lingering feeling of uncertainty for the future.  I've always been a self-motivated and goal oriented individual so the thought of no more accomplishment boxes to tick off frightens me.  Sure, I have a few job options lined up, but I've never felt that a job was the end to my story.  Should I go back to college again?  Move to a different state? Become a monk?
   This battle in my head made my recognize the fact that while I obsessed with this decision every second of every day, I missed the opportunity to take ownership of my smaller decisions and in turn, my daily life.  While in my car pondering another coarse of study, I made the choice to not stop and photograph a winding mountain road splashed in fall glow.  While paying for coffee and calculating if I could afford another school loan, I made a choice to show my ugliness and be less than polite with the attendant.  While making lunch in my kitchen and stressing over where to look for an apartment, I made the choice not to enjoy the moment and wrestle with my eager bulldog.  All of these less than miraculous decisions where made by my subconscious mind while my conscious mind dealt with an issue that is still months away and ultimately not contributing to my current quality of life.
   Seeing every daily decision, especially the smaller, as a stepping stone towards a larger self picture has helped me gain confidence and also see impacts that those decisions can have on myself and those around me.  Once I recognized that all my decisions were important, I was able to gain a feeling of empowerment over my mood and the direction of my day.  Choosing this mindset will allow your mind to operate more like a helpful, community centered small business and less like a cut-throat, task centered corporation.  It's never too late to adapt and practice this philosophy.  After all, there will always be more days full of fall glow.

Food for Thinking

     I admit,  its been a while since I've been in a working kitchen.  For many professional chefs, the stress and pressure of the restaurant environment is just another mystic surrounding the creation of artistic cuisine. It is widely known that a small amount of stress or pressure can help an individual perform better and I often find this true in my tendency to cook from scratch when I experience stress and tension.
     It may seem humorous that I willingly engage in an activity that will further tax my mind when I already feel overwhelmed but the physical act of planning and executing a well thought meal can be zen-like.  Forcing the mind to calculate, estimate, plan, and multitask always produces a positive reaction even from an act as simple as preparing a meal.  I often enjoy the process so much I refuse help from others so I can tirelessly run rampant in blinding flashes with knives, plates and ingredients in hand.  
     Since the process of eating will be commencing regardless, why not get the most out of it?  Planning meals with foods such as wild salmon, berries, nuts and whole grains, beans, olive oil, spinach, beets and garlic should also help you shed mental weight and stay stress free as these foods are proven to promote optimal brain health.  Foods containing vitamin C and E are also perfect for boosting memory.
     So next time you feel the pressure, hit the local farmers market.  A simpler release is hard to come by while sampling the offerings of your creative self.