Drifting Through

     Summer.  The days are warm and the twilight hours are to peak length as the long spindly streaks of dying daylight cling to the mountain tops and clouds casting greeting to the awakening fireflies.  The river is running lower than in spring exposing it's muddy banks and gnarled root systems of the trees that shade afternoon swimmers and water life alike.  The sound of drumming air conditioners and lawnmowers well past prime barely spitting and sputtering clunky convenience echo in the distance as the booming rumbles of an approaching thunderstorm inspire thoughts of relief from the drenching heat.  Picnics come and picnics go just as hastily as the holidays that inspired them.  Birds sing and children dream.  Small talk is made as gardens are tended creating mouth watering hallucinations of fresh leafy salads topped with plump,  juicy tomatoes.  Fields that once nurtured tiny insignificant sprouts seem now to grow taller with every disappearing second creating a vastness of green spread out like oceans across a rippling land.  Soon, every mile of roadway will contain at least one hand painted sign indicated that the golden snap of local corn is here at last.  Summer. 

 

     And so it rolls on.  The ceaseless parade of time.  Marching through the hazy days as I sit on the top of the float.  A float so carefully adorned with decorative crape paper and buntings that look stunningly vibrant and inviting when viewed from afar but transform into a cage when entered and occupied.  Sitting.  Endlessly enthralled by the onlookers and knowing that they have no interest in this parade at all.  A parade that once you pay attention, traps you.  Wraps you in what once seemed like innocent colorful tissue paper but now feels as cold as iron once it touches you.  Once you feel it.  Once inside, the outside world is something to be watched, not lived.  Something to watch slip by slowly as you feel the dark of night growing longer and the chill in the breeze growing stronger.  Almost reminding that each day you pay attention, is another lost to a pointless struggle to escape.


 And each breeze that reaches you, brings with it the knowledge that life is fleeting and even more so when we tighten the bars of time around ourselves and give into the temptation to join the parade. 
    

Hating for the Sake of the Hater.

     How many of us have spent a few hours on twitter trying to get to the bottom of some heated argument between someone who thought they where expressing a funny thought and someone who got deeply offended?  Sometimes it ends with a few quick jabs while other times it turns into day long rage infused hate fests with multiple parties on both sides chiming in.  In the modern social media obsessed world, there's nothing many of us love more than to gain a few followers, or get a couple of likes on Facebook or Youtube.  The problem becomes however, that these worlds are not real not matter how much we believe they are.
    Now before you jump down my throat about virtual reality and avatars and blah blah blah. Your are right.  There is some merit to that argument but my point is that we are interacting less and less the way we where intended to.  Face to face, hand to hand, in the moment.  Human beings are complicated organisms and when expected to communicate in less than 140 characters, we come off as rather dickish and pretentious in my opinion.
    When reading an online argument, one must really analyze the objective and intent of the attackee and the attacker.  Often times, especially when a comedian is involved, the attackee was merely expressing an opinion or thought they thought would garner a laugh or reaction.  Sometimes the attackee can go to far, cross a line, make a distasteful joke.  Big fucking deal.  I think we'd be hard pressed to not find someone who heard an off colored joke in person.  Uncles are legendary for them.  But have you felt the need to walk over to that person and tell them "That's not funny. Kill yourself" Of coarse not.  This reaction usually occurs in the imaginary space of the internet for the purpose of garnering attention and appearing Pius to people you've never met.
     We all have opinions.  We all have feelings.  We've all laughed at others expenses, and been laughed at ourselves. We've all been offended and we've all laughed at offensive things.  But feeling the need to personally tell someone something is not funny or that something is offensive is not your job.
     It's also amazes me that the only people that garner a harsh reaction from the Twitter world are the ones with the most perceived value to other users. Your not going to pick a fight with some guy in bum fuck nowhere with 50 followers.  Of coarse not.  What benefit is that?  You need the comedian with 51,000 followers so everyone can see how righteous and progressive you are for calling this person out and attacking them in away that you would never do in person.  That's how to boost your own twitter value.

     It's called a game.  And really the only ones that play are the ones who just want to pretend they're something they're not.  It's great as a tool and a way to share idea's with like minded individuals.  But when you choose to occupy that space and live in that world in a way that just doesn't translate into reality, you are propping yourself up with false personal inflation, digital style.  Keep funny funny and keep your opinions to yourself.

Who Am I and Where Do I Wish to Go?

    Have you ever been told you are good at something by a friend or family member?  I'm sure we all have.  And there exists my current predicament.  I've spent most of my life so far experimenting and experiencing many different things.   Although many of my friends love to hear stories about what I've done and seem almost jealous of my random existence, I can't help but still feel empty.
    Being 28 and a recent college graduate, I'm often faced daily with the question of what am I going to do next?  Do I have a job lined up?  Do I know what field I want to work in? Or where?  My answer is always honest.  With a little smirk and a slight break of eye contact, I simply reply, "I have no clue."  Just breathing those words often fills me with a sense of self pity and loathing.  Will I ever get my shit together and step into the real world? Frankly though, this "real world" everyone keeps talking about sounds fucking terrible.
    I've always been told I was talented but I'm starting to realize that everyone else is told the same type of thing as they grow up.  After all, what parents would tell their child, sorry Susie, your just not pretty enough to be an actress? Or sorry Johnny, I don't think your IQ will ever quite get there to be an astrophysicist.  Truth be told, we all have experienced some level of pandering as we developed, otherwise I doubt any of us could ever dream and aspire to be great.  I've heard it said many times that half the battle of success is believing in yourself.  But what about those who believe in themselves 100% yet lack the skill or talent?
    In my mind, I see who I want to be.  I know what I would like to do for a living.  But in all reality, it is also the dream of a multitude of other extremely talented individuals who are currently cutting their teeth nightly and working the club scene.  Do I really have talent or have I just received amazing ego fellatio my entire life? 

    In the end, I understand that mindset is the ultimate determining factor.  It's as the amazing quote from Henry Ford relays "Whether you think you can or think you can't, your right" and these words ring true I believe with anyone who feels inspired to go above and beyond what expectations of life can be.  Whenever I get myself motivated to take the leap of faith, my dark subconscious always calls me back with 5 words that have haunted me my whole life.  "Who the Fuck Are You?"  Only until I can confidently answer back, "I am someone who deserves to be happy and live fulfilled like anyone else" will I ever break my cycle of self defeat and lack of confidence.

SIDENOTE: Apologizes for this post as I did not have it proofread and I feel it makes little sense.  I sat down at the keyboard swimming in thoughts and this is what came out.  I usually try to end my posts on a slightly higher note offering some helpful advice but in this case, I have none.  This is an issue that for me has dominated my thought process for a long time and if anyone would like to connect and offer advice, please feel free!